What Have I Done
by Cede-Lede
Summary: Why don't things ever go smooth?   Mal POV / Established Minara and Rayne / WARNING: Character Death


Disclaimer: Not Joss.

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Mal sped over the barren path, pushing the mule as fast as she could possibly go.

Yelling over the wind, he ordered, "Get Doc in the bay. Zoe's been shot."

Simon's voice sounded calm over the speaker. "Can you tell me where?"

He glanced over at the gushing wound. It was kinda hard to miss.

"Her leg. Might have hit the artery."

"She needs to put pressure on the..."

"We've done this before, Simon! Just be ready when we get there."

There was no further communication on the com, but Serenity was finally in sight.

"Sir," Zoe's voice was rightly pained, "don't you think you ought to be slowing down?"

Serenity was looming closer. Fast.

"Don't take kindly to backseat drivers, Zo."

Mal winced after he'd said it, thinking of what was in the backseat, but Zoe just panted out a breath and her ever present reply of, "Of course, sir."

Then she passed out.

"Zoe!"

Despite what his first mate might have thought, he didn't cause more injury pulling into the bay. Might have been a close call on that, but he managed to stop her in time.

Jayne hobbled over on his bum leg, all casted up from a recent brawl gone awry. On seeing Zoe out cold, he reached up for her and with Mal's assistance got her down and on the stretcher Simon had brought. Jayne would have been far too slow carrying her in his condition.

Kaylee and Inara picked up either end of the stretcher, Simon already setting to work, as Jayne asked, "Where's Riv?"

Without conscious decision, Mal's eyes shot to Inara and saw the dawning horror on her face. She knew.

There was a growing panic behind Jayne's even steely tone. "Cap'n? Where's my wife?"

Somewhere behind them Simon was ordering the women to move but neither Mal or Jayne noticed them leave.

"Jayne..."

He didn't get further than that before Jayne snapped into action, climbing up the mule using just his arms and the one leg. His eyes froze on what they found, looking like he'd just been punched in the gut. River lay out in the back seat, blood splattered across half her face.

Time stopped. What might have been a few minutes seemed like days as Mal watched Jayne's world fall apart in front of his eyes. He didn't touch her, didn't make a sound. Just stared in something akin to disbelief.

Jayne's eyes finally closed on the sight and he shook his head sharply like he'd decided it simply wasn't possible.

Something falling in the infirmary broke the silence around them and Jayne's jaw clenched. It was the only warning Mal got before Jayne pushed him out of the mule.

He'd hit his head on the grating when he'd landed and was still trying to clear it, hearing Jayne calling him every dark and foul curse there ever was. Seeing as how he felt he deserved it, Mal didn't try to tell him otherwise.

But then two hundred pounds of mercenary landed on top of him. The wind was knocked out of him so there was no fighting back when Jayne lifted him by his collar and hit him with one meaty fist. And then another. And another.

He evidently got knocked out altogether because the next thing he knew Jayne was shaking him and yelling, "Wake up, you _xī pán de zhū jī ba!_ I ain't through with you yet!"

Mal tried blinking away the blood in one of his eyes but it wasn't working. There was blood in his nose and mouth, too, which weren't helping the breathing none but his brain was shook up something fierce and he didn't know what to say if he got it working right anyhow.

He'd lost his daughter today. His 'Tross. He'd almost lost his best friend. Still might. And he'd somehow come away without a scratch. There weren't nothing right with that and it was only fair Jayne got the chance to correct it.

Jayne's lip curled clear up to his nose in disgust as he stared down at him. Then he pulled Boo and shoved it right up under Mal's jaw.

"My wife! _My! Wife!_ I told you not to take this job and self-righteous son of a whore you are said it would be _fine!"_

Jayne moved the pistol up to Mal's temple, jabbing the metal into the sensitive skin there.

"I think you should know exactly how it felt fer her!"

Mal wasn't sure if he was about to say _'go ahead'_ or _'I'm sorry'_ but he never got the chance. Instead, he saw something he never thought he'd see and, until this very moment, didn't realized how much he'd never wanted to.

Jayne Cobb had tears in his eyes. He didn't let them fall and the fire of his anger still blazed behind them, but there they were. Jayne's lip shook and he clamped down on his jaw to fight it.

Leaning down scant inches from Mal's face, he snarled, "You don't move. You wanna live you don't ruttin' move."

Slowly lifting off Mal, he shuffled over to the mule and climbed inside. Jayne picked River up and carefully maneuvered them both back down. Cradling her in his arms, Boo still in hand, Jayne hobbled out of the room. His cast hitting the grating was the only sound in the room.

Mal laid there for a few minutes or a few hours. He didn't know. When he finally rolled over, he coughed up blood. He shifted to his knees but didn't move any farther. What might have been a tear of his own made a trail through the blood coating his cheek. He felt Serenity lift into the air and tried to take comfort that the rest of his crew would now be safe.

A soft hand on his cheek awoke him from his numb daze. Lifting his head, he saw his own wife looking down on him. Sure, they weren't married by law but he'd never cared much for that anyhow. Her eyes were dry but puffy and he knew that she'd been crying.

"Are we..." He cleared his throat and tried again. "Are we clear?"

She nodded. "I've set us on a path for Haven."

There was another grave to dig.

"Zoe?"

"Simon says she'll be alright."

He remembered an argument he'd had with Inara a long time ago. He'd told her that he might not be fit to lead. For the first time, he really believed that. So many people under his command. They all kept dying. He could never keep them alive. At least if Jayne ended up killing him after all, Zoe would be around to take care of the others.

"Inara, I..."

Her fingers covered his lips. Her eyes had filled with tears again.

"Don't."

She shook her head and moved her hand back to his bloody cheek, stroking her thumb there.

Bowing his head against her stomach, Mal held on and prayed she understood his silent plea.

_Please forgive me._


End file.
